26 I Refugee Series/Boban Stojanović : Triumph Over Trauma - A Tale of Hope, Resilience, and Acceptance

• Timespan: 23 minutes
• Transcription Type: Cleaned Verbatim
• Speakers: Boban Stojanovic

SPEAKERS

Raj Sundar

Raj Sundar  00:00

Hi, I'm Dr. Raj Sundar, a family physician and a community organizer. You're listening to healthcare for humans, the show dedicated to educating you on how to care for culturally diverse communities, so you can be a better healer. This is about everything that you wish you knew, to really care for the person in front of you, not just a body system. Let's learn together. Hey, welcome back to another episode of healthcare for humans. This is the second keynote featured in our podcast from the North American refugee conference. In today's episode, we're bringing you the journey of Oban Stoian avec us Serbian Canadian piece and LGBTQ plus human activist. Imagine being ranked among the top five LGBTQ activist in your own country, a voice for equality and love. But then, death threats force you to flee your homeland in search of safety. That's where boybands journey begins. Even after finding safety and Canadian soil, the challenges didn't stop for him. He faced a diagnosis of melanoma and the heart wrenching experience of processing his father's suicide. Despite all of this, his story is a story of hope, rather than despair. Amidst the darkness, he talks about how he found healing in the form of poetry and therapy. As he listened to his story, you'll notice that the details aren't always laid out in a straight line. They sometimes don't follow a conventional chronological order. It's a reminder that stories, especially those of resilience and survival, aren't bound by time. They're fluid adaptable, and can be shared in a way that resonates with the storytellers emotions in the moment. This lesson goes beyond our podcast to as clinicians and healthcare professionals, we often interact with patients and others who have suffered on their way to being refugees, who have left their homes and attempted to find safety elsewhere. Their experiences aren't confined to a specific timeframe. Because everything seems uncertain, and trauma can manifest suddenly, quickly, and unpredictably. Thanks for taking this time to listen. And thank you for becoming a better listener and witness to the stories people carry. Here's my bad.

02:33

Morning, everyone. I hope you're doing well. I came from a small country called Serbia somewhere in the Eastern Europe. My life there was quite successful. I was CEO a few nonprofit organizations. I did much for human rights and reconciliations banking Balkans. I was published outer and public figure. I was first openly LGBT person in big brother in the whole region. And I was constantly in the media and being among the very few openly LGBT people and people in my country. Sometimes I was on serious political talk shows. And another time I was in more entertaining land answering funny questions for you gay guys, who is the most handsome football player and I had some other small and interesting achievements. For example, I spoke at Trauma Prydain in Italy, in the front of half million people. It was pride Marshal international pride Marshal in Montreal in 2014. It was so interesting because on day to day Pride Parade, hit fancy car, I had my own driver. And also I was listed as one of top five LGBTQ plus activists only a year ago in 2015. And this morning, I found myself at this conference sharing my refugee story. I entered Canada as a visitor, I sought asylum and I got it. And I got it because I had almost 1000 pages of evidence to prove persecution from back home. Only between 2015 and 2016. I got more than 250 that trends. My apartment was attacked two times by neo Nazi groups. I was attacked so many times and I were I was verbally provoked almost on daily basis. Due to the safety reason I had to change apartments every time we organized Pride Parade back in Belgrade, its capital of Serbia. And just to give you an illustration, for example, in 2010, we tried to organize pride there was only around 1000 participants, pride participants and we faced 6000 hooligans who try to attack us. The Serbian government often been prideful because of state safety reasons and they clearly stated we can protect you. Someone created an online video game on some website, you can play this game and this game was about shooting me in the head. So If we tried to do something, public persecutor back home said that there was no reason to war Ed was there just for fun. In August 2016, the year when I moved here to Canada, I was attacked in the middle of the day at the city center. After escaping, and calling the police, I spend the rest of the day in police station is a victim of brutal violence. That day, I had three interviews with three different police officers. In the following days, I was to recognize attackers. And when I did it, they told me, pictures are blurred, and we can't eat identified. And trust me images were so clear to one for ID. Even more, I got warning from high state officials in my country to cut my tongue expression if we want to say to him to shut up, be quiet, don't speak so I have to shut up. Or they will publish stories in a ruling party controlled tabloids and they will ruin my life completely. Because I felt unsafe in my own apartment. And at that time, I lived in rented while with my partner, I decided to sell my apartment, but someone broke into it and started to leave there. So even today, I don't know what's going on. And if you ask me why all this happened. To me, everything happened because I didn't want to be loyal to the government. Because remember, we're involved in the war crimes committed in the name of Serbian people during the 1890s particular in Bosnia and Kosovo in my critical political engagement because an issue at the government and the government wanted to show itself as Pro democratic so I always remind them now, you your work, criminals don't want to accept your intentions to be good and pro democratic. Over time, my life became Netflix drama, and I had no choice but to move somewhere else. And if there is season two of this drama, you will learn more about my working class family. My alcoholic and abusive father, you will learn about bullying experiencing to school, you will learn about my grandmother who was like was devastated under Communist regime, you will learn about my mother who was a victim of domestic and sexual violence, most of her life. And of course, you will learn about my extended family who disowned me. Some of them they hate me because I'm gay. And another part of my family the more friendly one, they had Kate the fact that my partner was of Muslim origin. At that point of my life, it just became overall. And along with my partner we applied for Canadian visa, many other asylum seekers, we left everything behind. Using some small savings, we bought tickets by chance I reached out to a person from my country who lives here, and they said, Okay, you can come and I will rent a room for you for a very affordable, affordable price. Once we were here, we spent all the money so quickly. And I remember first time we went to supermarket here is many other newcomers and refugees, especially in the beginning, we will try to convert Canadian dollars dollars on whenever we are into our money. And after I saw how bottle of shampoo cost here, I just flew out from the store and legally to puke in the front of the store because I got sent oh my god, we'll spend all this money so quickly and there is no 100 solution. Luckily, after a few months, our refugee claim was approved. My partner and I became convention refugees. And we had no money and we were still waiting for work permit. We made a deal with our friends. So instead of paying rent, we will clean her house and we will manage her Airbnb account. So unexpectedly, I became a room service professional with no pay. However, our friend asked for more and more support in the House and it was really hard for us to manage that. It became very uncomfortable situation. Getting my work permit I was so lucky to find my first job as LGBTQ plus settlement practitioner at the Center for newcomers. Got my first part time salary. We found an apartment we can afford and we moved and in the night before we moved our friend get so angry so she trolled all our stuff in the garden. So we had a very interesting night party Garden Party collecting our things all over the place. After a while after we moved to our apartment for a while everything seems to be okay. We started our new life being careful about every single thing because we had only one part same salary. It was my seller and my partner was full time English student at the time. Luckily, after a few months, I got full time position like for our partner got the job too. And we were able to afford second pair of shoes, and other fancy things nonstick pan from Beaners. Similar things at 12. Wow, kind of like, honestly, life get better until I learned that my mom was in hospital, I reached out to my friend back home. And she's a nurse and I guess sure if I could do something to support my mom. And it was really interesting because she said, No, don't even offer your support. If doctors learn you're in Canada, they will ask for more and more, but they will never give any medication to your mother. And this is very typical answer from Balkan countries is corruption in these kinds of countries, including my country is very high. And then unfortunately, a few weeks later, my mom die, I was not able to travel because I had no passport. I had no travel document, so I had to stay here. After that my father get completely locked in after 40 days, he hit the train and died by suicide. The rest of my extended family blamed me for everything. And even more, they sold the house that we had, they took all the money, a little collection of family jewelry, and they took even family photo. So I have no memory of my parents and anything from my childhood. And this part was particularly painful. Over time, I accept everything. And I said it's life. And life can be complicated. After a while things got back to normal one day. I so very nice Gucci friend.

11:57

And I said, Let's get your glasses I shall good benefit. So they will cover all the costs. And I was in the store and they said first you have to do check up your eyes. And I did it in the store and exempt took a little bit longer than usual. And then because I was stealing this honeymoon stage of my integration here in Canada, I was oh my god, it has to take all this time because I am in Canada, they have all these fancy equipment. So they will check everything precisely. But the standard of debt to matrix refer me to specialists. So a few days after I find myself in one of Calvary hospitals here. They did a lot of exams of my eyes. And after that I meet with Dr. His team. And I was diagnosed diagnosed with ocular melanoma, it's type a cancer. I was super lucky to have one of the best doctors for melanoma in the world. After I came home, I check everything aligned. I was oh my god, he's really a star in his field. So I have a duty to became superstar patient. And I accept it was very traumatic because I was so scared I lost my eye. And I really I used to be honest, and I accept everything is art performed. I was so disciplined, follow all suggestions, I follow everything properly. And I was too much into it. So after I waking up after my first surgery, I had a patch on my eye. And two nurses were there and they will come back and all that kind of sweet things after and I just told him, I'm Lady Gaga. No. Let's sing bed romance. And we did it. So I was there like in the bed with our nurses and we sang using bedroom ends. And after that I found in my file, they put rock star patient in the draw a little star and I had another surgery only a week after. Then I took six weeks off from work. And during this time, I think a lot about my lives in a very poetic way. I try to understand what my counselor wants to tell me what they don't want to see any more. Or for example about my father. I removed my focus from his suicide and they told me what was the last thing he saw? They the little bluebirds. I don't know. I asked myself did he have gentle wind on his face before he hit the train? That was my way to survive. And then in the beginning of 2020 Of course COVID happened. I was supposed to work from home and summer at the end of 2020. We got an opportunity to purchase a condo and we did it. One morning, I was there alone because my partner worked for Starbucks so he was in the store. And I was in my sofa staring unopened boxes. And a few minutes after I realized I couldn't I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't pretend everything was okay. And I asked myself at that point, is it okay to be weak? Is it okay to cry? Is it okay to be fragile? Is it okay? To feel? Is it okay to lament over my life? In something in my mind? Settle? No, this is just a moment in time and you need support. And for the first time in my life I reached for mental health support. I found a therapist. And first time we met online, and after a short conversation, she told me trauma, you experience and you went through so much trauma. And next nine months, I was fully dedicated to my recovery, I went through EMDR, or eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing therapy, I learned a lot about my trauma. I learned a lot about my parents. And I was able to embrace everything we went through, I understand how unique enrich my life is, I knew I was worth leaving. I have much to offer to my partner, colleagues, friends, clients. And I don't know how I get there. But I was thinking, I was blessed in my life to meet many refugees. My first volunteer engagement back home was in one of refugee camps in my country. And among them met the most vulnerable children, women, victims of gender based and sexual violence, victims of torture, LGBTQ plus refugees, political refugees, human rights defenders, and from all of them, to be honest, including myself, too. I learned a lot about resiliency. And if you allow me I want to share three things that I learned. First one is some kind of little wisdom is simple one, life can be better, but life can be worse. And we refugee NodeJS. Right, the river, their river in the place to see our beloved, to losing their homes, careers losing the lives. But how I think about this, if we are still here, we must acknowledge our strength and resilience, and our ability to find a radio flight in our darkest times. The second thing I learned is to say yes to what it is, if you're a refugee, this sentence, completely describe your life. Maybe you never thought about yourself in this way, perhaps because you're really on guard spirituality, traditional values, teachings, wisdom, philosophy, science, whatever. But it's always it is what it is. And I sincerely believe, because I heard this from so many refugees. I sincerely believe refugees bring an enormous amount of love and gratitude whenever they move. And the third thing I learned is to value my story. And to celebrate my transformation. As a newcomer to Western society, I found Western society very fragile. It just says that leaving something we used to call the first world doesn't make people more resilient. Many refugees of all backgrounds, people who lost everything, the doctor stuck in grocery stores, or mother's cars, so they keep suffering in refugee camps, and people who were humiliated and torture, we are still here. We work, we contribute, we give back to community. All these people, they have enormous capacity to adapt and transform the lives. And this is the thing, all other people can learn from us. And this is the treasure we bring to our new communities. And this is why I'm here and this is why you are here these days to share and to listen to all these stories. And in the end, I want to share one more thing video related to personal transformation of my trauma. I learned a lot about trauma after going through my journey with my therapist. And after a while I realized I don't have each romantic event themselves, but I have a problem with particular images related to my traumas. And for example, I already mentioned my obsession with getting what was the last thing that my father saw before he hit the train. In one night, we went to Montreal just for city break and I was in a room it was quite comfortable bed I was lying there and I wrote the poem. And I named this point to my father 40 years later, I wrote in my first language of course I posted on Facebook I go to bed. Next morning I check my Facebook could count. And I saw hundreds of likes and shares in my inbox was full of messages. So people really identify with my words. In a few days after I wrote another poem, few days after another point, another point and another point. And he went through all these traumatic images, and he tried to get rid of them, and to transform them to something else in my points. And you know what, less than a month ago, back home, I published my first book of poetry. And in three weeks, the first edition is already sold out. Title is, this should have been our living room. And I tried to bring my ideas of how my life supposed to be, but it's dead and very lasting for me this morning. Lokar indigenous survivors, look at many refugees and immigrants was 30 lives from scratch. If you're a refugee, look at you. If you're not refugee, look at someone next to you. And you will see, this world is not that this world is full of love, and understanding. And we refugees, we are the most significant proof of it. My mission is complete if my story gain at least one heart in this room. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Raj Sundar  21:32

So left after listening to events keynote with four lessons that he articulates acknowledge that life's journey encompasses both highs and lows, or as he says, life can be better. Life can be worse. The wisdom in saying yes to life circumstances, no matter what it is, and the empowerment and celebrating your story, and the transformation that you've gone through. And lastly, a recognition that our world, despite its challenges is abundant in love and understanding. I know some of you are hearing all this. And it feels overly hopeful, because it seems to gloss over the pain of the harsh realities in the world, especially with the last few keynotes that you've heard. For me, though, the key message is that admits the very real struggles that all of us face. There's room for hope, healing, and transformation. Holding on to hope like this isn't a denial of the challenges we face, but rather a source of strength that keeps us moving forward. It's by holding on to this duality, acknowledgement of life's hardships alongside the potential for growth that allows us to navigate the complexities of caring for people who have suffered through tremendous trauma. Thanks again for joining us on another episode of healthcare for humans. Check out healthcareforhumans.org And share this podcast with one other person. And lastly, thank you to the podcast, brilliant co producers test set shoe and Mahara Zack, for helping set the vision and direction for the podcast and making sure this listening experience is great for you. See you next time.

23:12

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